grateful

Do you ever feel like God's using every circumstance to grow and change you? I have to admit I don't often feel that way, but there have been a few events and circumstances lately that have made me think a lot about my life and how I'm living it.

Now that the boxes are unpacked and rooms are painted, I really feel the impact of how blessed we are to have this house. It's exactly what we need right now and even though there are some things about it I would definitely change if we owned it versus just paying rent like we are, I really feel like it's ours and it's just about perfect. While I'm most definitely not excited for winter, I am excited to decorate the house for Christmas and just living life here in these walls. I really think we're creating good memories here.

Part (or most) of those memories involve the absolutely astonishing cuteness of my daughter. She turned 2 in august and is just so much fun to be around. She definitely has her moments - in fact, as I write this she just ran in and swung her blankie at me and yelled "MINE!" which might be one of her favorite words. But for the most part, she is a borderline perfect little treasure. The stuff she says is just hilarious and watching her little wheels turn as she processes what going on is really amazing - as I'm sure anyone with a toddler could tell you.

I also feel like the recent death of a friend has had a profound effect on me. I met her just last year in my church bible study. She was diagnosed with cancer in 2006 and although she battled with it on a daily basis and went through, I think, three rounds of chemo, I never thought of her as "the lady with cancer". I struggled with understanding her situation. I know no one really deserves to get cancer, but if that were the case, she most definitely did not deserve to get it. She was a good person, a wife, mother of two little girls, and only 40 years old.

But the most amazing thing about her was her peaceful spirit. She was not afraid to die. Now, please understand, I believe in God and salvation through Jesus and heaven and all that, but she was so at peace that I questioned myself whether I had really really believed it at all.

Her memorial service and her death itself really impacted me. I cried of course, but I found that I wasn't crying for her at all. I realized that I never really felt sorry for her - I was mad at her situation, at cancer, at the unfairness of it all that such an amazing person would be taken away from her family at such a young age - but I never felt sorry for her simply because of the way she lived every day. She didn't invoke pity from anyone and I almost felt it would have been an insult to her. I was so moved while singing (songs that she picked out) because I knew she was there, singing along as she loved to do, and at the same time experiencing heaven and the presence of God that we can't even begin to imagine or understand.

So what does this mean for me? I wish I had an answer. I wish I had a lot of answers. But for now I'm going to do my best to enjoy every day I have, to not freak out when the kitchen isn't clean and I find socks on the floor, to not be so hard on myself for not working out like a maniac and eating a perfectly balanced diet, and to snuggle my little girl and my husband every chance I get and tell my family I love them every chance I get until they're almost sick of hearing it.